To celebrate LOTUS'FED 3D's return to its rightful place among the other feds on the INDEX page of the Armbar Error Society we're delighted to announce: Fuck you.
This was our patreon goal, not yours, so now you've done it. Now you've really gone and done it now. In common parlance: Now you fucked up. Now you made an enemy of the Most Successful And Profitable And Charming And Good-looking (MSAPACAG) promotion in Armbar Erorr History! So now you see what happens when the Galactus of E-Feds vores your industry.
Yes, that's right, the Galactus of E-feds vores your industry. It's a metaphor you pervert.
So with all that in mind we're very very excited to announce the Biggest Tournament in AES History. Yes, I bet you all thought you were really cool with your 69 patreon dollars and your Tag World Grand Pricks and your eBOWLING but actually you're just like half as cool as us, fuckos. To prove it here is the LOTUS'FED 3D Chutes And Ladders (Not Snakes Fuck You Snakeman) Tournament!
The grandest, greatest, and all-around best tournament ever, the LOTUS'FED 3D CAL(NSFYS)T tournament will feature 2,048 entrants! (Not to be confused with the mobile app 2048, which ripped us off and is also a Supreme Fucko). These competitors will come from all over the world, the universe, and even some other worlds, universes and realities. This is simply because we are the best, and these glorious competitors flocked to us to prove their mettle in hand to hand combat in the Greatest Tournament of the All Time.
"But Niko", you may be asking, "W-" and then I'll tell you to shut up, interrupting your impatient questioning with more important information about the CAL(NSFYS)T! As mentioned this tournament will bring the best of the best together to compete for LOTUS'FED 3D, the biggest and most successful E-Fed ever. Now, you're probably wondering something inane like "I wonder if Naruto's chakra would have voted for Donald Trump because it's red" but I'm choosing to instead enlighten you by providing the details on how this bracket will be organized.
Of course, with such a big group of competitors, it's important to come up with a very clear and concise way to group them fairly. That's why we here at LOTUS'FED 3D created the Scientifically Hardwired Interpretation Technique Survey to evaluate the competitors and seed them accordingly into the Chutes and Ladders bracket.
The Chutes and Ladders Bracket is the pinnacle of tournament technology, using a careful system of Play-In's and Byes, we've ensured that only the best of the best will win, and we've got a losers bracket as well, just in case the best of the best don't win. To figure out who fights who it's simple! Just multiply the wrestler's ranking number (the number at which they are ranked) by their opponent's then divide the product by the bracket number they are seeded at. This number will then be divided by the number of participants who have not yet been eliminated the resulting number, will bisected horizontally and the number that top half of the character most closely resembles will be the number of rounds the wrestler will receive a bye for. This easy-to-use process will continue until only two remain, and then subsequently until only one remains, and then probably a few more times for good measure.
Now then, onto the FAQ:
Q: What is the prize for winning the CAL(NSFYS)T? A: A good point.
Q: Will my character be in the CAL(NSFYS)? A: I don't know because this is a hypothetical and I wrote it myself.
Q: Which Naruto character is the best one? A: Tenten
Q: When will all the entrants be announced? A: Before PW:AS Episode 4.
Q: How do you use the Inherit Skill function in Fire Emblem Heroes? A: Fuck off Stardy I drew Niles 3 times in one summon.
We here at LOTUS'FED 3D offer only the best for our lovely patrons, and lucky for you we're giving you a Free Sample of our Wonderful Product just because that's how great we are. Take a fucking sip babes.
AES has long been a place for innovative thinking and creative ideas. BUT to this day, there has NEVER been a fed that used a point system and if you attempt to suggest otherwise, I will not read your post. So with that in mind, we here at LOTUS'FED 3D are incredibly proud to announce that we will be unveiling the FIRST EVER POINT SYSTEM FOR MEASURING PERFORMANCE AND AWARDING AWARDS BASED ON SAID PERFORMANCE.
Now this is all very exciting news but I'm sure you're wondering "Niko, how will this incredible new creative idea of yours work?" to which I will reply "Very well."
With all that said and done, let's get down to the nitty gritty: the point system itself. Now, we've taken the blueprint laid out by real-life wrestling company CHIKARA and maximized its potential to create the Greatest Point System Of All Time. It's simple really.
It works as follows:
Pinning an opponent gives you a point. Being pinned in a match costs you half of a point. Making an opponent submit gets you one point. Tapping out to an opponent costs you 2 points. Being counted out just really isn't very satisfying so if you win by count out, you lose a point. If you lose via count out costs you 3 points. Winning by DQ is a bitch move so if you do that you lose all your points. Losing by DQ cost you half a point. Trust me on this one, I know this radical idea of using points might sound farfetch'd but that's a pokemon, not a real word, so really you've just made a fool of yourself.
Furthermore, we've named this intiuitive and easy-to-use system the Definitely Legitimizing all E-Feds Just As Cool Kids do system. The DLEJACK system for short. This creative and innovative use of letters is just one more reason LOTUS'FED 3D is great. We will now proceed with a brief intermission from the description of the system to reiterate some of the reasons LOTUS'FED 3D is the best and should be freed from the Sample Platter.
-No bad matches so far. -Patreon doing good -Did you see the poster? -Eva Marie -but also, more!
Back to business lads! We have more user-friendly numbers to discuss! Being on a losing tag team will cost you 1.25 points. Being pinned and costing your tag team a match costs you 2.05 points. In tag matches with more than two people per team, the value of points lost is multiplied by the number of shoes your teammates are wearing. This will go a long way to promoting footwear diversity in AES, just another reason LOTUS'FED 3D is the great fed that it is. On top of this, in multiman matches, your score will be determined by how long you last in the match. If you don't even make it halfway through the match, you lose all your points. If you win the match, you get all their points. If you're just there and not involved in the finish, fuck you. If a match ends in a No Contest or Double Elimination or any form of a Draw, every wrestler on the roster gets 1 point except for the people in the match. If a wrestler does not appear for one of their matches or mysteriously vanishes on the way to the ring we will add up the points for every member on the roster and randomly give them to one wrestler. If Eva Marie appears in any context she will be awarded 2 points. That should be enough to cover the basics for now.
Now I'm sure you're very excited to hear about how you can turn these points into Valuable Rewards!! We're creating a point shop, another original idea that nobody has ever had before that we are bringing to AES we call The Stand Where You Turn In Your Points. And the current selection in the shop is as follows:
5 points - One bottle water 25 points - You get to be in an ad. 500 points - Sean 1000 points - Title shot 1500 points - Paycheck
Every donation to the LOTUS'FED 3D Patreon awards you 50000 points for every 100000 dollars. This is a fair and balanced approach.
We are very excited about this new idea that nobody besides me has ever had and we look forward to dazzling you with new original ideas in the future. Now you may ask yourself "Can I take advantage of the DLEJACK system? What can DLEJACK do for me? H-"